I'm tired and grumpy and not much fun to be with at the moment. You know when you try and reason with people but it gets you nowhere? I'm tired of the constant battle with my children. They don't tell you these things in the baby books. They don't tell you that if you are indulgent, if you give in to your children's every whim, that in the end they will turn round and bight you. I suppose I should have worked that one out for myself I just made the fatal flaw of wanting to give my children all the things that I never had as a child. But the fact is, that the things I never had were material. As a child there was an abundance of love and understanding which made me the person I am today. I wish I had worked that one out sooner!
The thing is, my boys are not rebels, they are not tearaways. they have good manners, they know how to behave when we are out, they are polite and courteous to others. Is it my fault they do not respect me? Is it the fault of family influences beyond my control? Is it just part of the Juveniles Code that they must make life as difficult as possible for the significant adults in their lives?
I am so lucky, my boys do not have illnesses, they do not have disabilities. Ok there have been a few problems along the way, Tom's dyspraxia caused a lot of problems when he was younger but we have worked our way through all of that. I was even lucky enough that we had the money to send both boys to Private School when it became apparent that state schools were not helping them.
Is it just that I am ineffectual as a human being? There are times when I am so strong, so driven. I have succeeded. I don't mean just having good days, I mean weeks, months. I ran a website that had hundreds of thousands of hits. I acted as mentor on a dieting site. I was fan of the year for my local football team. I learnt how to do the books for the family business, to do the payroll, to use a computer, to give advice on plants and gardening. I studied local history and even through my depression, failing health and divorce, and managed to come away with a certificate to show me that I can achieve.
If I can do these things, if I can succeed, then why can I not be the mother I should be. I've never liked confrontation, I don't like arguments. Is this roller coaster ride just par for the course? Am I getting off lightly in comparison to other parents? Are my expectations too high?
I'm tired. It just seems that every day there is something else. And if its not my boys, then my ex is always there to dig the knives in further. If one of the children does something wrong, why is it me that gets shouted at. When will I ever find the voice to say enough is enough? When will I learn to press 'end call' on the phone if I am at the receiving end of another rant? When will I stop the boys mid track and just walk away if they talk to me with the lack of respect they have been showing?
I'm tired because I don't sleep because my head is full of stuff as I try to cope with the tospy turvey world that is my life and I suppose my ability to make a drama out of a crisis. Perhaps I should call for Supernanny to set me straight!