Thursday, 21 July 2016

Oooh hello....

I was looking at a friend's new blog and came across this space that I have neglected rather badly. How on earth has six years passed since I last rambled on? Back then I had five fish and a fiance, now I have two dogs and a husband. Who knew!

Back then the world seemed fairly sane and yet now? Well I was on the search for normality, but i think I am probably more normal than I ever realised! But it is really fascinating how we change as we grow older. I think there is truth in all that wisdom we gain along the way, so that we look back and say I probably could have done that better. But in the end,no regrets because its wayyyy too late to regret anything. As they say, you've made your bed and now you have to lie in it. Of course you could also jump on it or even hide under it.

I think i have been hiding somewhat. I'm not quite a recluse, but I don't do anything like i used to years ago, not even six years ago. Who knows where anxiety starts. Who knows why doing simple things has become such a major issue. Who knows why I panic at the thought of going to new places? Years ago, long after I had passed my driving test, I finally learned to drive and to go to new places. I felt like a new woman where nothing was too difficult. I took my history course, and drove all over Cheshire visiting historical buildings and researching for my assignments. I was never afraid to go off on my own and just discover. Now I have to plan everything in tiny detail. I need to know where I can park, where the toilets are, how tightly packed rooms are because I must be able to get from A to B without having to touch anyone or ask anyone to move. Frequently I do dummy runs to places so I am familiar with everything. I will spend time on Google Street view seeing how roads lie and what buildings will be near where I am going so that there is a familiarity that can help to prevent the panic I feel when i am out and about. I have developed 'safe' places. Places that I know well, where i know the procedures, the escape routes, familiar faces so that the stress when visiting these places is at a minimum, so I can appear 'normal'

I think maybe not many people know me any more. I appear to be one thing and yet that is just a front, a great act. Even i can start to see why i often feel totally exhausted with the job of just living.

Oooh so that was interesting, not sure where that came from but its probably good that it did. I haven't even mentioned my crochet addiction, or my yarn hoard - but there's time!

1 comment:

  1. Hello Babs. By chance I was looking through Wirral bloggers and came across this posting of yours. I just wanted to say I hope you aren't too normal now. I've just had a T-shirt made that says 'Normal people scare me!'
    I think this checking out places, etc. phenomenon s probably a lot more common than is generally realised. The world out there can be a scary place. As you say, just living can be exhausting. But I hope you have more days jumping on your bed than hiding under it. All the best, a Pensby 'neighbour'.